"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou
The concept of how to treat others is one lesson that tends to follow most of us all the way back to our childhood and continues to apply throughout our adult years. As you mature, you begin to realize that the concept of treating others well (initially) may have stemmed from a behavior that a parent or authority figure wanted you to embody or embrace. However, over time you may have learned that the concept itself is not only about one's individual behavior, but also what someone else's behavior or more specifically, their treatment of other people, says about who they are. The reasoning behind this is fairly simple, treating others well can say a lot about you and simultaneously, it can tell you quite a bit about others.
One of the first and most valuable lessons my mentor in college taught me, centered around how he would gain insights into someone's character before he even met them. He would never say this, but he was a fairly well known and respected professor whom students, faculty, and colleagues, throughout the world of academia admired. As a result, people would seek him out for speaking engagements, his work, and his wisdom. He once told a group of us that when he was meeting someone new, he would always ask the department secretary what they thought of the person he was meeting before he met them. Were they respectful, kind, inquisitive, and ultimately, did they seem to genuinely care about the secretary? The reason why, he said, was because most people were often extremely kind, generous, flattering, and curious towards him, but only certain people interacted with the same level of care for his secretary. What he explained is that it’s easy (for all of us) to be curious, kind, engaging, and thoughtful towards someone who has something you want or something you admire. That’s why, the person who was kind, curious, and generous to the person who could not offer them a single thing in return, always stood out to him as the person he wanted to know.
In business, a similar concept exists around the idea of, “I was raised to treat the janitor with the same respect as the CEO.” This beautiful concept is something that we should all apply and learn from. I think it can be taken a step further though, to add in a layer of self reflection and to consider the type of company or leadership team you’re working with or for:
- What do your actions say when you’re not saying anything at all?
- How do you treat your peers and your subordinates in a time of crisis or difficulty?
- How do you speak to or treat your team? How do you speak about your team?
- How do you talk about other leaders? How do other leaders talk about you?
- How do you treat the person who has nothing to offer you in return?
- How does your CEO treat the janitor? How do they treat their entire team?
- How does your leadership team treat one another?
- How do leaders talk about their team when they're not around?
Some of these questions can be difficult to answer, unless you have the privilege of being privy to certain conversations or meetings, but chances are, you know or at least have an idea. If you’re genuinely unsure of how you’re perceived. Ask your team. Ask them how you’re doing as a leader and be open to their feedback. Ask your peers, your boss, or other leaders for input and feedback, specifically those who won’t only give you the answers that you want to hear. It’s important to note, if you don’t have someone like that on your team or in your organization, go find someone who will, and hire them.
To be clear, I’m not suggesting that leaders should not be honest or candid when necessary, but there’s a big difference between being honest or direct about someone's performance and talking negatively as you vent or gossip. Do you know the difference? What do you tend to lean towards? Do you disguise gossip as concern or trying to be helpful, instead of what it actually is? It’s often easier to justify the things we don’t like about ourselves or the things we know are wrong, by disguising certain behavior as something that it’s not. I know there have been times when I’ve done both, so what does that say about me?
I heard a quote recently that said, “It’s not about being perfect, it’s about being consistent. Being perfect for a week is far less impactful than being more and more consistent over time.” As a leader and as a human, I’ve fallen short and failed far more times than I care to count. That’s why the sweet spot is often found somewhere in the balance between consistency and not letting one's own imperfection become a convenient excuse for bad behavior, leaving you to fall short of your duty as a leader.
So how do we identify when our own behavior or the behavior of others is telling us something? What are some of the warning signs, first and foremost within ourselves and then in others?
What to look for in yourself:
- Is it always someone else’s fault?
- Does everyone always agree with you or is there room for healthy pushback?
- Are you sharing information with others that isn’t yours to share?
- Are you getting a sense that your colleagues are avoiding you?
- Do conflicts or confusion frequently center around or involve you?
What to look for in others:
- Are their actions lining up with their words or are they inconsistent?
- Are they sharing information about others with you?
- Are they consistent (not perfect) in how they treat you?
- Are they trustworthy?
- How do they treat those who have nothing to offer them in return?
Now that you’ve gained some insight, what do you do about it? That’s part of the reason why I prefer to start with myself. Worrying about yourself and your team is always the best place to start. It’s a whole lot easier if you have a group of leaders that are ready and willing to self reflect. Unfortunately, we all have different levels of willingness and ability to look in the mirror. Especially considering the fact that this requires emotional intelligence, humility, vulnerability, and self-reflection. If you or your team identify areas where you’re lacking, own it. Apologize and move forward in a more consistent manner than before. That’s all you can do. When it comes to others, lead by example. Remember that vulnerability leads to more vulnerability. Meaning, share your shortcomings and failures as a leader. Learn from them and allow others to as well. If you can create an environment where honesty is welcomed, it allows organizations to create a foundation to build upon where perfection is no longer the standard, but instead consistency and continuous improvement.
At the end of the day, no organization is perfect because no person is without fault. That doesn’t mean we can’t strive to be more consistent in how we treat others and to be more aware of what the people on our teams, our customers, and throughout our work environments are telling us, even without saying a word.